Here we go, again…

I’m on the first of three flights to get me to Paphos Cyprus and in a few days on to Amman Jordan.  My journey to India last fall started with awe and wonder over my solo journey – I felt proud and excited – then I spent significant time beating myself up.  At 48 years old I was on my first solo International trip (besides Canada and Mexico) and I was so jealous of all the people I met and their stories of solo journeys to places I had only dreamed of.  International travel had always been something I wanted to do but it was never ‘right’ – I had a million excuses for why not to follow my own yearning to wander and journey.  I was busy being all the things I am, I was with partners who had no desire, I couldn’t afford it, I didn’t have time, and on and on.  I only saw green as I listened – I was surrounded by people younger and older than me who had been doing what I wanted to do all along.  It took me a good week to work through that and find pride in the fact that I had done it – I hadn’t continued to wait to follow my desire to go, I celebrated that I had indeed made a long journey solo and opened up to the fact that this could be just the first of whatever I desired.
So now, 5 months later I am on a trip that was not on my radar until a few months ago. I didn’t plan for this for a year, I didn’t stress and crunch the numbers endlessly, I felt the stirring inside me when I received info of a yoga retreat in Jordan hosted by two amazing souls I met in India and I said YES with very little hesitation.  And when I said yes, another beautiful soul reached out and extended an invite to come visit on the way and that was an immediate HELL YES.  Why not??
I do not watch the news – I work hard to avoid it honestly.  Am I curious what’s going on in the world?  Of course.  But do I have the ability to process it and research it and make my own opinions without feeling overwhelmed and stressed?  I do not think so.  So currently I just bury my head in the sand and focus on finding beauty and wonder and joy in my sweet little life.  As I started to share my plans several people expressed concern over the world climate and attitudes toward American’s given current politics, did I research or pay attention?  No.
For years and years my life has been a daily (sometimes hourly) navigation of stress and chaos related to the addictions of people I love/loved.  My work has suffered, my job has suffered, my health (physical and emotional) suffered, my friendships suffered, you get the picture….  I have worked hard to create boundaries and separate myself and focus on my own life and choices – this has been an ongoing journey.  And this journey has required that I keep my world small and feel it and process it to gain clarity.  I am getting off track, but share this so you can grasp why I work so damn hard to avoid the chaos of the world – there has been zero space for it.
I have taken time to honor the differences as I prepared this time – I set aside time starting a week in advance to get clear on what I needed and wanted to get done, I worked through my numerous checklists and I was ready!  This is in opposition to waiting until the last minute to prepare and creating stress and strife for myself as a distraction.  There are areas of my life that are still chaotic and stressful and years ago this would have led to cancelling my plans without hesitation due to a need to stay close, to be there, to try to fix/support, to build resentment and set aside my own desires without anyone realizing what had happened.  Simply put, there is one specific areas of my life that feels like a dumpster fire that has been smoldering over the last 7-10 days and is now undeniably ablaze.  And for the first time, I did not think about canceling, bailing out, making excuses, changing my plans – and I am fucking proud.
My intention for this trip is to be present where my feet are planted – to feel, see, smell, taste, and hear the moments.  To not be half at home worrying and checking in and foolishly pretending I am managing something that isn’t mine.  Will I be able to completely escape?  No.  But I can choose to not be consumed.  There are also some really amazing things at home that I will be thinking about and carrying with me on this journey, and that too is a change I celebrate.
So here we go!