It’s been a minute…

I haven’t posted in a few days because I have honestly been struggling.  Struggling with disconnecting from home, sleep, self-doubt, not feeling my best, all the things.  I know this is part of the process and a necessary step in transformation and I am here facing it and working to push through.

Since day one, things have picked up (as we all knew they would).  Two 90-minute asana practices each day, these are more traditional than I my typical practice (think Hatha and Ashtanga) and it is challenging my body (and mind) in many ways.  I am enjoying all of the classes, but I think my favorite one is Alignment and Adjustment.  Daily for 90 minutes we learn about proper body alignment naturally (standing, sitting, walking) and in yoga postures.  The instructor is phenomenal – so much information!!  He physically demonstrates, we practice and do a variety of exercises, he uses a model to show us refinements in specific body areas (more than a few of the class have left with marker diagrams on various parts of their body) and then we learn when, why and how to adjust students (practitioners).  This alone has not only changed my physical practice brought about awareness to my physical patterns in sitting and standing.

I’m still not sleeping, for a variety of reasons.  My night is daytime at home, so my body is still resisting the time zone, but also I know that if I check my phone there will be emails, messages, posts, people I can reach out to because they are going about their day.  And that actually is the hardest part.  

On the ver most positive and wonderful note, I became a Grandma!  The beautiful and perfect Kassi Kay arrived on the 19th, weighing in at 6.6 pounds and 18 inches.  My family got to meet her and I have gotten lots of pictures.  But my heart is truly heavy I am not there to meet her myself.  I knew this going in, but that didn’t prepare me for the deep level of yearning and ache I would experience.

The founder of this ashram spoke to our class yesterday and shared how we are all so externally connected that we have lost true connection to ourselves – I am a living example of that.  I am remaining too connected to my day to day world and not yet getting to be fully present here with myself.

I am also continuously pondering a message from another instructor about what happens when we detach, a lesson from the Yoga Sutra’s.  When we detach, or make a change, the universe notices, and when that detachment/change/idea is a good one, the universe presents you will obstacles and symptoms.  I am witnessing all of the obstacles and symptoms and trying to take them as a sign to continue on this journey rather than a reason to stay entrenched in my habits of doing all the things and managing and coordinating and caretaking and worrying and checking in and on and on and on….  All of those things, that external connectedness, have taken me away from internal connection, from being present, from truly being 100% here physically and mentally.

On a humorous note, I did laundry yesterday, in my own bathroom in a bucket with my hands – it didn’t take me long to realize I had no idea what I was doing and to experience huge longing for my washer and dryer and then realize the bounty I am blessed with and how I take it for granted.  My clothes got washed, hung out to dry and are now put away; but I am skeptical how clean they are ;).

Namaste!