Calling out my bullshit stories

I feel like I have been posting more a rehash of what’s been happening, which I have heard some of you like, but I want to be more intentional with this blog.  To really get into the consciousness of the journey, not just this current fantastic one but the everyday journey’s as well.  

As we neared the end of week 2, a woman I was creating a friendship with left due to a family emergency.  That had me doubting myself.  There are now 26 in our class, and most of them are younger than me (as she was) – many so young they could be my children.  However I am not the oldest one here as I had convinced myself I would be.  I found myself worrying about how to navigate the rest of this time, knowing it will just get more challenging from here, without connection.  

On Tuesday, it was our weekly kryia (shatkarma or yogic cleansing). As we started our program, the kryia introduced was jal neti (think neti pot).  I love my neti pot so I was excited we would have the opportunity to do this practice daily before we start our mantra and pranayama sessions.  The second one introduced was rubber neti, this is for a more vigorous cleaning of the nasal tract – I will leave it at that and let you look it up if you desire.  I gave it a shot, but I wasn’t able to complete it successfully and I am okay with that.  This week the practice was kujal kryia, a practice to cleanse the stomach and upper digestive tract.  I was nervous about this, like thinking about it for days nervous and analyzing it repeatedly.  My goal was to come here and be present and immerse myself and do things I wouldn’t have the chance to do otherwise, but the thought of making myself vomit (after drinking 1-3L of warm salt water) in front of my classmates and our teachers was difficult to get my head around.  The day before, one of our teachers took some time to talk us through it and to explain the contra-indications (of which I had none so my easy out was gone).  So I did it.  I am glad I did, it was tough for all of us, I wasn’t alone, we supported each other through it and it was indeed a bonding experience.  Now, next week is a different story and I am still processing that.  A dear friend gave me a special gift before I left on this trip, she hand wrote a message for me to read each day I am gone – the message the morning of this kryia was “I can do hard things” to which she added “and yes, you can do (really) hard things….You’ve got this my friend!”  It’s wild how timing works, she had no idea the weight of this message on a day when I really needed it – and I did a hard thing!

After our kujal kryia we laid in savasana chanting AUM and then relaxed until it was time for breakfast.  The only dish we were served was Khichidi, a dish made with rice and moong lentils.  We have it regularly as part of our meal, it is bland and easy, but that was the only dish after the practice in alignment with the traditional instructions.  Needless to say, when lunch came around we were all eager to enjoy it.
I had a second shirodhara treatment.  It took longer to relax because initially the oil was hot, not warm.  I kept moving my head and they were instructing me to relax and even tried to hold my head in place.  I told myself that I was over-reacting, that I was tough and I could do, all the bullshit stories that accompany me through my days.  Finally, I spoke up and let them know the oil was too hot and they apologized and rectified it – how simple was that.

Our 300 hour class was offered an invite to travel to Rishikesh on Tuesday night and to stay in a new yoga training school they will be opening in the fall that is more budget friendly and will host a 200 hour program only.  The tradeoff was that we would pose for marketing photos in return.  I wasn’t going to go, it sounded like too much, who would be going, was it safe, etc…. More damn internal nonsense.  I was walking by reception as a group of classmates had just signed up and they asked if I was going, I said “I’m not sure, I’m thinking about it” to which their response was “Please go, come on, join us.”  So I did what I have been trying to do all year and I said YES – I didn’t let myself pause to think about it anymore I just signed up and took the last of the 20 spots available.

We made our journey in, chose our rooms and then headed to the Ganga Aarti at Parmarth Niketan – the largest ashram in Rishikesh on the banks of the Ganga River, it is one of the largest spiritual institutions in India.  The Ganga Aartri occurs daily at sunset and draws hundreds of people.  It is open to any and all regardless of religion, language, etc…. It is a ceremony to honor the Ganga River with song, prayer and ritual.  It was moving – it includes a spiritual message and it was something that each of us could identify with.  They post the daily service on their YouTube channel if you are curious.  

The journey from our ashram (for the night) to Parmarth Niketan was eye-opening.  We walked people and animal filled streets, filled with vendors and shops, with mopeds weaving between it all, wealth and poverty co-mingled and every few steps someone was begging.

After the ceremony we enjoyed a group dinner on the banks of the Ganga River at Little Buddha Restaurant – I would absolutely return there (and did the next morning).  I shared with a classmate (all food in the city is vegetarian) a vegan cooked vegetable dish and a sweet potato curry followed by gluten free (millet) Nutella crepes.  We were stuffed and the grand total for the meal was 1200 INR (or $12 US, of $6 each!).

This was the start of Diwali and the sound of fireworks persisted all night long.  Diwali officially occurs on Thursday October 31 this year, but it is celebrated for several days.  Diwali is the Hindu Festival of Light.  It symbolizes the victory of light over darkness, good over evil and knowledge over ignorance.  I am beyond grateful to get to be here for Diwali.

All of this to say, I am grateful (once again) that I chose “Yes!”  I made new connections, I saw many sights, I got to shop the markets of Rishikesh, I tasted local cuisine and I hiked back up to our ashram with a backpack (for which I am very proud of myself, the hike carrying nothing is a challenge).  As we sat on a patio overlooking the Ganga this morning enjoying tea, coffee and pastries we shared our insecurities and got pretty vulnerable – 6 women all from different parts of the world who two weeks ago had never met.  It was moving.  We got to support and hold space for each other.  We reassured each other and realized that while we are all very different we are all equally as similar in so many ways.

Where are you doubting yourself?  Where are you telling yourself the same old stories that are holding you back?  Where can you show up vulnerably and fully and trust that it will all work out?  I encourage you to notice the stories and patterns and others words/judgements that you are holding on to – just noticing is a major win on it’s own.  After you can regularly notice, can you start to push back?  To not just accept the message, the doubt, the bullshit?  Are you ready to change this narrative with me?  I believe in you!
Namaste!